This post is a plea, a heartfelt request to all that is right and holy in this world - with the hope that if just one person who reads this realises the error of their ways, I will have somehow left the world a better place than when I found it.

Three mornings a week, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I drag myself out of bed in the pitch darkness at 6am and drive miserably down the motorway to the big soulless megagym near my office. I am not really a 'gym' kind of person. I dont really like getting out of bed in the dark. I can't stand the spiky-haired Terry Topshops posing in front of the mirrors. The strange stringy women in there frankly terrify me. But I force myself into the discipline to go through this in order to fend off the effects of all the beer I drink - I have the rather large frame of a second row forward and without some regular exercise I would be but a monstrous lump of congealed paté with two eyes on top

BUT there is one thing that is driving me closer and closer to the edge, something that I can no longer suffer in silence. So here is my message to gym goers everywhere:

• Please do not think that it's really normal to walk everywhere in the changing rooms totally naked. I really really do not want to see your penis- especially if you are over 50. Your penis is tiny, yet your scrotum is pendulous. This is not a good thing to share.
• Being entirely naked, yet wearing sandals makes you look like a German wally.
  
• Please do not ever stand less than a metre away from somebody you don't know and engage them in conversation whilst you are naked. Putting your hands on your hips whilst chatting inanely about the weather merely increases the terror. Please stop.
  
• Please do not ever, ever bend over to dry your toes whilst naked.